A Bit Of The Past...
I was looking around on my computer last night and came across some old entries I had made when I still had my LiveJournal account. It's weird because one of the reasons I switched to blogger in the first place, on top of a better design, was that I didn't like most of the posts I had made on LJ. Strangely enough looking back, a lot of posts I was making near the end were some of the most honest things I've ever written. Now, generally I wouldn't post something like what I'm about to, seeing as it's about as personal as one could get; but since it's looong done, I think I can share it without it being bothering me.
June 26, 2005
I wish I had met you at later age. I wish I had met you at a time where there was no history of something that was nothing between us. I wish I could meet you for the first time tommorow when I wake up and drive into town to do some groceries and ask if you want to grab a coffee or something.
(Then again without knowing you previously I probably would have no comprehension of what I could gain or lose at any second of my life right now, so maybe that's not the best thing to wish for.)
It's the obstruction of thought because of previous thought that worms it's way into me everytime I try to figure out what just happened and what to do about it but then makes me realize any action probably wouldn't do any good becaues it's up to you. This is a plague between us that will always be a part of me whether I want it to or not.
I am who I am, for better and worse, because of the absence of you.
I suppose loss is the wrong word to describe this. If there is no such thing as free will then this was built so it would never be used. I believe the conclusion I came to the last time this happened was that it was to...complete me. To be complete only when you're not whole. Scary thought. (Actually I just came up with that now) Not that I'll never fall in love again, it's just that this is probably neccesary to carry me into something I'm meant to be.
If this is what it is I promise not to wallow in it. I can't stand people who do that. I can easily move in other directions. This was just a weird trip back in time that was done for the purpose of I don't have a fucking clue is all.
Night.
May 2, 2005
If this were heaven, hell below wouldn't exist. And if I were smart, I would know better than to lose sleep over it.
I'm not.
So I guess we'll see what that brings.
Some random and some not random thoughts:
-The input costs that create civil society are huge, and are by no stretch noble in the means that are sometimes required to capture them. So that really begs the question, is civility really civil if the tools used to require those inputs aren't?
-Perhaps this is something like survivors guilt. If you burn something, it will burn. Sometimes burning is good; take forest fires for example. I can't explain to you the specifics, but I hear forest fires help rejuvinate certain aspects of old forests somehow. I don't need to explain the less desirable effects of fire. If you bend something it will snap. Sometimes snapping things is good; sometimes it's bad. If you water something it will grow or it will die depending on how much you give it. In the end, that's all there is, life or death. It's the in-between that fucks with you so much because no matter how close you are to either you never know which is coming because of that thing called hope. There's a reason they say tension kills.
-New Ryan Adams is out tommorow; I think I'll go pick it up along with David Usher's new one.
-Actually I probably won't because I just remembered I have no money.
-I like to use semi colons and comma's a lot; but really, I only think I know when to use them. I took an English class all about that stuff in my first semester this year and then forgot half the material. Sometimes I think I get it right and I'm sure a lot of times I don't. Sorry bout that.
-My English teacher was a kick ass guy. I've been privileged enough in my time to have a few of those teachers who you just know are passionate about what they're teaching and because they so strongly believe in it they make you believe in it to.
-It's 11:56 and I need to go to bed.
-I'll try my best to do more updating in the future.
June 26, 2005
I wish I had met you at later age. I wish I had met you at a time where there was no history of something that was nothing between us. I wish I could meet you for the first time tommorow when I wake up and drive into town to do some groceries and ask if you want to grab a coffee or something.
(Then again without knowing you previously I probably would have no comprehension of what I could gain or lose at any second of my life right now, so maybe that's not the best thing to wish for.)
It's the obstruction of thought because of previous thought that worms it's way into me everytime I try to figure out what just happened and what to do about it but then makes me realize any action probably wouldn't do any good becaues it's up to you. This is a plague between us that will always be a part of me whether I want it to or not.
I am who I am, for better and worse, because of the absence of you.
I suppose loss is the wrong word to describe this. If there is no such thing as free will then this was built so it would never be used. I believe the conclusion I came to the last time this happened was that it was to...complete me. To be complete only when you're not whole. Scary thought. (Actually I just came up with that now) Not that I'll never fall in love again, it's just that this is probably neccesary to carry me into something I'm meant to be.
If this is what it is I promise not to wallow in it. I can't stand people who do that. I can easily move in other directions. This was just a weird trip back in time that was done for the purpose of I don't have a fucking clue is all.
Night.
May 2, 2005
If this were heaven, hell below wouldn't exist. And if I were smart, I would know better than to lose sleep over it.
I'm not.
So I guess we'll see what that brings.
Some random and some not random thoughts:
-The input costs that create civil society are huge, and are by no stretch noble in the means that are sometimes required to capture them. So that really begs the question, is civility really civil if the tools used to require those inputs aren't?
-Perhaps this is something like survivors guilt. If you burn something, it will burn. Sometimes burning is good; take forest fires for example. I can't explain to you the specifics, but I hear forest fires help rejuvinate certain aspects of old forests somehow. I don't need to explain the less desirable effects of fire. If you bend something it will snap. Sometimes snapping things is good; sometimes it's bad. If you water something it will grow or it will die depending on how much you give it. In the end, that's all there is, life or death. It's the in-between that fucks with you so much because no matter how close you are to either you never know which is coming because of that thing called hope. There's a reason they say tension kills.
-New Ryan Adams is out tommorow; I think I'll go pick it up along with David Usher's new one.
-Actually I probably won't because I just remembered I have no money.
-I like to use semi colons and comma's a lot; but really, I only think I know when to use them. I took an English class all about that stuff in my first semester this year and then forgot half the material. Sometimes I think I get it right and I'm sure a lot of times I don't. Sorry bout that.
-My English teacher was a kick ass guy. I've been privileged enough in my time to have a few of those teachers who you just know are passionate about what they're teaching and because they so strongly believe in it they make you believe in it to.
-It's 11:56 and I need to go to bed.
-I'll try my best to do more updating in the future.
posted by Daniel_v at 11:15 AM
1 Comments:
Where the hell was I during this?
Then again, I have trouble remembering last night let alone 2 years ago. Maybe it's my constant tiredness and lack of consciousness. Sobriety perhaps? You be the judge.
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