It’s strange how only when you’re finally close to someone you care about, in geographical terms at least, you realize you are, and most likely always will be, farther away from that person than you were when you weren’t near them.
Given that, I find it fittingly ironic that I would come to such a conclusion sitting outside her steps in the morning last weekend while nursing a hangover. It’s not a pleasant feeling being ignored for someone else by some one you care for more than regular caring for would ever permit. Maybe it was all just in my head, but I spent a fair amount of the summer and fall feeling that way since we started talking again back in June. I can’t think of anything else to describe the feeling except to use the word “shrinking”. All the positive qualities that make you who you are begin to diminish. Maybe it’s not healthy to hold such a view, but I don’t fancy being dependant on others; it’s not fair for you and I guess it certainly isn’t fair for the person you’re dependant on. Given the choice to end, or at least the pursuement of, something you’re not sure exists, is one thing that can not be taken from your grip in such circumstances.
Maybe that says something wrong with the way I look at the world but, to be honest, I don’t really care. While this may seem to be coming off as a melancholy post or an attempt at depressed writing, that's really not what I’m aiming for. I’m not sure why, but the situation I find myself in doesn’t bother me that much at all. If anything, I feel much better now overall than I did during the summer. Maybe that’s just growing up, maybe its just the feeling of certainty.
Anyways, what else is new…
I find I feel at home at the college here; at least in the sense of a kind of home away from home. I don’t want to go back to working and not being in a classroom. I enjoy learning about things while having the knowledge that I’m working to towards a certain end. I wonder if I’d ever like to be a teacher…
The society is going just as good, if not better, than last year did and isn’t really showing any signs of slowing down. Like last year, I’ve met some of the most sincerely good people I’ve been privileged enough to meet in my life time. I suppose I would just link that to the type of mind frame they carry around (trust me, if people are willing to dance around in a circle like hippies in order to show solidarity for a cause, despite how strange it might look to an outside observer, there can be little said to belittle their commitment to what they believe in- I went to an environmental workshop last month; don’t ask.)
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Snow, snow is here. Last night I read a bit of a book in bed before I fell asleep with the blinds open in my room-which are normally closed before I go to bed but as I was to tired to get up and close them they stayed open- and woke up with a view of everything outside covered in luscious (is that how you spell that?) beautiful snow. I’m not sure why I like it so much, maybe it’s because it changes the mood of different songs I listen to all the time (try walking through a street with trees here and there, while the sun is shining down, listening to an acoustic version of Gen X-Wing), or maybe it’s just because the scenery change provides a different attitude for you to feed off of. Whatever it is, I like it.
Here’s to more snow.
